To The-One-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but this is the best thing that I can. Regardless of whether you will be aware of this or not, somehow, I feel the need to take these unspoken thoughts out in order to move forward. And this is the only outlet I know where  I will not be judged for doing so.

It’s been so long now since the last time I  saw you. Since the last time we talked. That was the time I got broken. Everything that has happened that night are all still clear to my mind. As if I am watching the scenes all over again. Every piece of me ached. I’ve said all the things that I thought I should have. All the questions I’ve been keeping to myself burst out into light, in search for answers. You laid down your explanations. I’ve heard your excuses. They only made things more confusing. Still, I inquired. My mind is full of so many WHYs. I knew right at that moment that I will never get the answers that I deserved. We decided to part ways. Things just ended up that way.

Through the days that passed, I realized that a lot of things are left unsaid. I’ve been at the receiving end of apologies that night. And even on occasional messages I’ve been receiving since then. We both know that I deserved that. I deserved more than that. But for the record, let me be at the other end. Let me say sorry because I know that I am partly responsible for what has happened between us. Yes, I was hurt. But what’s even worst was that I got hurt and I let you do that. Sorry. I should have stayed away from you. I should have kept my distance from you. I should have guarded myself better from you. I should have never get attached that much to you. I should have never expected too much from you. I’m sorry. I really am.

Moreover, I want to thank you. Thank you for letting me know that I am capable of caring for someone, more than myself. Thank you for some tears you shed that night while I was crying my heart out. Thank you for breaking me. Because in the process of making myself whole again, I realized that I am worth more than just an option. That I am worth more than all the risks. I learned that I can choose everything about my life. I didn’t have to settle. Thank you for challenging me to be a better person. For inspiring me to do what I love to do, even if I have to do it alone. Thank you for leaving a scar. Remember that you will always occupy a small part of me. And that part will always be significant to make a 100% me. You are a lesson dressed as a mistake. I learned. I learned the hard way. Now, I am smarter. Now, I know better.

At this moment, I am still on the road to fixing myself. I am still on the process of freeing myself from all the pain that you’ve caused me. I know I am taking so much time. But that’s because you’ve taken so much from me. Well, I am doing fine, though. I can say that I am ok and happy. Someone said you were guilty. You said you still are. If by chance you really are, you can also free yourself of it. I’ve forgiven you long before you asked for forgiveness. I have to admit, I got mad that night. I thought that making you bear that guilt was the only way I can get even. That was the least thing I can do for myself. But still, I can’t understand why no matter what you do, and no matter how much I tried to, I can not hate you. So, you can now let it go. I’m doing this not only for you. I’m doing this for myself too. I need to do this to Heal fully.

Few days from now, it will be your time of the year, again. I hope that I can peacefully greet and wish you on that same occasion next year, or in the coming years. For now, be safe. Be blessed always.

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5 thoughts on “UNDELIVERED MESSAGE. UNSPOKEN THOUGHTS

  1. Congratulations on battling through the pain and learning from your misery. Carry your scar proudly because it is a trophy to show you won the battle.. 😃 😘

    Liked by 2 people

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